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The latest nerd war inspired me to write another mean post. Actually, I wrote it some time ago but was unsure I wanted to post it. Now I’m sure. During my time in Facebook jail, or maybe shortly before that (I’m old; I don’t remember), a fellow nerd shared this meme.

Nothing says nerd like a meme that showcases your insecurity. C.f.,

These don’t come across as quite the burn you think they do. Instead, they make you look, well, nerdy and insecure. Moreover, the people you’re targeting aren’t paying attention because they don’t care what you think. That’s the nature of “not being a nerd.” More importantly, the meme falls short of its intended mark. Consider that following candy bar names:

• Three Musketeers (named after actual swordsmen, not cosplayers wielding fake lightsabers)
• O’Henry (named after a young man who the young ladies loved; not a nerd)
• Snickers (named after a horse)
• Reggie (named after a professional baseball player)
• Baby Ruth (while its namesake is controversial, it’s most likely also named after a professional baseball player)

The truth is that candy bar names run the gamut — everyone’s looking for a distinctive trademark — but because we picked the fight with this meme, it’s appropriate to point out that the ones I listed were named after a specific person worthy of recognition. Can you name a specific nerd who was worthy of a candy bar name? Einstein? Hawking? Me? The first two are famous, and they don’t get a candy name. And don’t try to pull cookies into this. It won’t work as well as many seem to think it will.

We remain individually obscure and just get picked on as a group, and obviously some of us aren’t self-aware enough to realize that yes, this candy name is probably just picking on us. Don’t pick battles you can’t win. If one of those “cool people” accidentally hears what you said, you’re gonna lose.

Even a freaking horse did better than we.

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