There Be Tacos Here! #food #taco #TacoTuesday

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I will never apologize for a gratuitous Star Trek reference, however forced it may be.

Well, my post for this evening was accidentally scheduled for 6:30 am ET, so it went out before I got out of bed. No worries. I’m just throwing this one in as a follow up to provide proof of eating my first tacos in at least 17 years. That’s right. A patent issuing on the day I last had a taco has already expired.

I will never apologize for a gratuitous intellectual property law reference, however forced it may be.

But you need proof, so here it is.

When I saw the menu, the tacos were loaded with beef, so I didn’t think to order extra beef. What I got was rather light on the details. As a result, I had to eat some more when I got home.

But don’t worry (why would you even care?). The fact that these are from Taco BHell doesn’t guarantee that I’ll wait another 17 or so years before eating them again. Cheese will. Also, there’s one annoying thing about eating tacos that I had long forgotten: Take one bite, and the shell collapses. I had to shove them into my face, or everything would have fallen into my lap as I was eating. That’s a buzzkill because to me a taco isn’t a taco without crunch. If you eat soft tacos, there’s something wrong with you. Just eat a burrito or enchilada. There’s nothing wrong with that, but those aren’t tacos. Nothing with a soft shell is.

It bears repeating, but he’s wrong for including hard shell stuff.

I’ll still probably eat tacos before today’s patents expire, just not from Taco BHell.

And no, they’re not authentic Mexican food. Who cares, Francis?

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Follow Taco Bell @tacobell

Tacos, Anyone? @tacobell #food #taco #TacoTuesday

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I honestly can’t tell you the last time I had a taco. I can tell you the last time I tried. In 2004 or 2005, a bunch of us were flying to Miami for my older brother’s bachelor party in Key West. We made a stop on the way to the airport, and there was a Taco Bell nearby. A few of us were hungry, so we stopped in and ordered food. As the last one to order, I paid expecting everyone to pay me back. As soon as he found out I had paid for everything, my brother, being the asshole he is, said we were in a hurry, and if I didn’t leave right now, he’d leave me there. (I’m a picky eater, probably due to lingering childhood food allergies or pressure to eat, and my family would often use food to torture me as a child.) Tacos aside, deciding to go on the trip was my mistake. I should have said, “Okay,” and let him leave. But I didn’t. I acquiesced, and of course no one paid me back.

That clearly leaves a bad taste in my mouth (so to speak), but the reason I don’t eat tacos — or Mexican food generally — is because, other than mozzarella and parmesan, I hate cheese. As any cheese hater can tell you, an order requesting no cheese on something that usually has cheese rarely comes back as ordered. I have no problem peeling the cheese off of a turkey club, but if the food is hot, you can’t just peel away the cheese. As someone who hates to waste food or make a server’s life harder on them, I won’t order anything hot that generally comes with cheese. Ergo, if I go to a Mexican restaurant, the only thing I can order are fajitas. Even tamales, which I love (and recently had), tend to come with cheese even if the menu doesn’t mention it. Consequently, if I’m not in the mood for fajitas, Mexican food is out, but in any event, tacos are out.

It’s all the same, and it all has cheese.

So, here we are on Taco Tuesday at least 17 years since my last taco, and I’ve decided to break that fast. I’m having tacos for dinner, and I’ll probably go to Taco Bell. I’m a picky eater but not a snobby eater. What I hate, I won’t eat, and what I like, I like even if it’s low quality. Taco Bell is good enough for me.

. . . and I’m a lousy cook.

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I’m a Food Critic Again! @Zaxbys #food #Zaxbys

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Well, I’m not so much criticizing the food as I am the service. I’m writing this on 4/5/2022. I’m on the carnivore diet this week, so this was as good a time as any to try out the Zaxbys in my new neighborhood. I knew this was fast food going into it, but I was told that it’s “good fast food,” so I didn’t expect to be terribly disappointed. Oh, well.

First off, I ordered it “for here.”

See an issue? Well, okay. That’s fine. It’s not as if this affected the quality of the food; however, it does show how much the staff bothers to get things right. Next, what’s missing?

I’ll give you a hint: There’s no fork. I had to “mama’s little piggy” this. Okay, not really. I just had to ask for one. It’s not as if this affected the quality of the food; however, it does show how much the staff bothers to get things right. Okay, last thing. Here’s my receipt.

Does the price seem reasonable? For 10 fast-food bites? Probably not, but I’ll tell you what makes it worse: That $2.59 drink? Water. I ordered water. And they charged me $2.59 for a water.

Sorry, not sorry, Zaxbys, but I have a crazy thing (as in “genuine psychological problem”) about first impressions. If you do me right the first time we meet, I’ve got your back forever. If you do me wrong, you’re dead to me.

R.I.P., Zaxbys.

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Follow Zaxbys @Zaxbys

Food Critic III: The Search for Calories @KITKAT #food #KitKat

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Here I go again.

Food critics are a weird thing. I hate mushrooms, so no matter how good you think a brand of mushrooms are, you can’t convince me to eat them. So what’s the point of food critics? What do they really offer us?

With that in mind, I’m going to review some more food for you. I’ve reviewed Pringles honey mustard chips and DiGiorno croissant crust pizza. Now I’m reviewing . . . .

My favorite dessert by far is key lime pie. When I saw these limited edition key lime pie Kit-Kats, I just knew I had to buy some. However, they’re tough to find, so my only option was EBay. This is the most I’ve ever spent on a candy bar, but it wasn’t too bad.

My verdict?

For a brief moment, I’m convinced my life was better than all of yours. Sadly, this is something you’ll have a hard time finding yourself. Get ’em while they still exist.

Yum.

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Follow Kit Kat @KITKAT

I’m a Food Critic! Again! Digiorno’s Croissant Crust Pizza @Digiorno #food #pizza

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Here I go again. I once reviewed Pringles honey mustard chips. Now, something else caught my eye. I learned that Digiorno has a croissant crust pizza, so I took to social media to express my disgust and curiosity, which were at odds. As a cat person, I knew I was going to try it, so the next day, I bought a pizza and left it in my freezer. I was thinking, “When am I ever going to eat this? On the weekends, I’m on the carnivore diet, and during the week, I workout every day and want to eat within 20 minutes of working out, so I don’t wait until I get home to eat. I’m never going to eat this!” But then, one day later, boom! Snow day! Within 24 hours, I had my opportunity, and I took it.

That was a long set up. If you’re still with me, here’s the review.

First, I’m an exceptionally picky eater, which means to survive, I can’t be a snobby eater. That is, I can’t snub a hamburger because I prefer filet mignon. I have to forgive the quality of the food . (I also have to be able to eat the same thing repeatedly without getting sick of it, but that’s not relevant here.) With that in mind, I’m perfectly happy with a Digiorno pizza. Besides, so many of you claim that oily, floppy, soggy, flappy New York pizza is the best in the world, and that stuff sucks even to me. It’s not like any of you have any place criticizing me for being more than happy with Digiorno.

Now I’ve insulted half the crowd, most of whom are spammers anyway, but if you’re still with me, here’s the verdict.

Meh.

It’s not that it’s bad. It’s just that it’s no different than their standard pizza, except that it’s got an even higher calorie count. Going forward, I think I’ll pass on that, but if you like Digiorno pizza, it’s as good as anything they make.

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I’m a Food Critic! Honey Mustard Pringles @RickandMorty @Pringles #food

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Pringles recently announced two new flavors based on characters from Rick and Morty. If you don’t know what Rick and Morty is, you have my sympathy. Anyhoo, joining the previously released Pickle Rick are Honey Mustard Morty and Look at Me! I’m Cheddar & Sour Cream.

Come again? Did you say “Honey Mustard Morty”? Other than Morty’s voice, what’s not to love? I love Pringles. I love honey mustard. As far as I was concerned, my diet was officially over (while supplies last). So, I did some research. The first thing I learned is that they already have honey mustard. Honey Mustard Morty is nothing more than Honey Mustard Pringles with a picture of Morty on the can.

I felt betrayed.

But hell, I was still asking, “What’s not to love about Honey Mustard Pringles?” I remained intrigued, so I kept digging. It turns out that they’re sold exclusively at Walmart, and the only Walmart near me that sells them was a bit out of the way. “Never mind,” I thought, until I noticed the nutritional content. Sugars? Less than 1g per serving, which is 16 freaking chips! Even on my strictest diet, I can have one serving of those per day, and I’m not on my strictest diet. Geez, even the salt content isn’t as bad as you’d expect (6% RDA per serving). On the flip side, the fundamental basis of almost all diets is caloric count, and each serving has 150 calories. This is certainly manageable, but you must be careful not to load up on them.

I decided to give them a shot. Today (actually, 9/15), I stopped by that Walmart and grabbed three tins. I thought it was a worthwhile investment. How bad could Pringles and honey mustard be? The verdict?

Meh.

From a sugar perspective, you get what you pay for, so they’re good, but I won’t be driving out of my way to get them again.

I really don’t like pickles.

By the way, that image could be the next blue dress/gold dress thing (it’s gold). That shirt and tie are clearly purple, with the tie particularly purple. I see this as a grey-blue.

As always, the real lesson here is the value of intellectual property.

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