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I don’t want to drag things down, nor do I like airing dirty laundry, so I’m going to give you a quick, unsupported description of me, then move on to the funny part.

I had an exceptionally rough childhood, and my emotional conditioning had me tolerating a lot of shit from people. Of course, even my mind could handle only so much, so eventually I’d snap (which was always disastrous), but for the most part, everything was bottled up until it exploded. As an adult, I still am very much that way but not nearly as bad. I’m more prone to snap at people than I was, but my preferred method remains to simply cut them out of my life.

Enough of that.

Now here’s the context for what happened recently. I bought a house. I shopped for homeowners’ insurance, which included my current auto insurance and renter’s insurance carrier (Farmers). I found a much better deal from another carrier (State Auto, A- rating) with the same coverage, so I decided to go with them. However, when I asked the agent for a quote on car insurance, he inexplicably went silent. I didn’t have time for any of this shit. I didn’t have time to haggle, and I wanted everything cleared up quickly. The time to give me an insurance quote had passed; I wasn’t going to go back and forth between them. So, I decided to go with State Auto for homeowner’s insurance and stay with Farmers for car insurance.

My Farmers agent wasn’t happy. He wouldn’t take no for an answer. After telling him how much of an ass he was being several times over, I stopped responding to his emails. He eventually changed his tone and acted as if he’d accepted reality, agreeing to provide only car insurance. However, he tried to manipulate me by insisting he needed information about my new homeowner’s policy to cancel my renter’s insurance. Why? Because he wanted to compare quotes. In other words, he hadn’t given up yet, and as I said, the time for quotes had passed. (Besides, his rates were almost twice the rates others were charging. Seriously. $1600/year v. $880/year for car insurance, with a lower consumer rating. What was I thinking?) His behavior was ridiculous on its face, and it gets worse. He charged me a renter’s insurance premium on the day after he knew I moved out. This could get him into a lot of trouble with the Maryland Insurance Administration. You can’t charge a premium for insurance that’s unnecessary or useless. The fact that he’s doing all of this to me, both an attorney and insurance agent, is risky. But hey, no need to ruin the idiot’s life. I just want him out of my hair.

Now onto the funny.

He sent an exceptionally rude email that a vendor should never send to a client, which made me instantly decide to get car insurance from another carrier that night. Here’s the only important excerpt from the email:

You seem incredulous. The information in your e-mail below is ostensible.

He then shifted the goalposts so that he could pretend to back up those sentences. When I got home, I got a new car insurance policy with Progressive, cancelled my policy with him by going through Farmers corporate, and sent him this email.

Well, you’ll never have to remonstrate against my incredulous, ostensible, insolence again. I’ve abrogated the policies.

And that’s how I roll. I have no time for bullshit, and I also own a thesaurus. Do what you’re supposed to do or leave me alone.

Why Progressive? Because who doesn’t love Mittens?

I don’t know about you, but that made me laugh.

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