Classic Movies: Citizen Kane @hbomax @movie #ClassicWatch #QuarantineLife

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I’ve discovered Turner Classic Movies on HBO Max and thought it would be a good idea to watch some of the “classics” I’d never seen. I decided to start alphabetically at Citizen Kane. Bad start.

It didn’t age well. The movie is inspired by William Randolph Hearst, who means absolutely nothing to me. I’m a guy born long after Hearst died (1951), and even longer after Citizen Kane was released (1941). I can’t relate specifically, and the general story is just blah. I’m also annoyed at the “twist” that’s been the subject of so much praise. I see it as less a “big deal” and more a “big disappointment.”

Nevertheless, I at least respect what this film means to the evolution of cinema. According to those in the know, it was a necessary step towards the great movies we have now. I also liked that it went out of its way to highlight new actors in the end credits, one of whom, Agnes Moorehead, played Samantha’s mother in Bewitched.

If, like me, you just have to see it, then do so, but don’t expect much. As always, YMMV.

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RIP John Saxon

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RIP, John Saxon.

Mr. Saxon had some classic roles. For me, the ones that stand out are Enter the Dragon and Battle Beyond the Stars, but he was a staple of my childhood TV watching.

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Jarvis from Endgame #movie #MCU @PaulBettany

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Sundays are now lazy days for me. Going forward, I’m just going to re-post other people’s work or just do something silly. Case and point:

Bettany-Jarvis
It’s true.

Fight me, unless you’re IQ is over 50, in which case you know I’m right.

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Meh Watch: Unsolved Mysteries (I’m soooo sorry!) @netflix #GoodWatch #QuarantineLife

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I never saw a single episode of the original Unsolved Mysteries, but many in my social media stream seem to love it. They seem very happy that it’s back and feel this iteration lives up to the old show. For that reason, I didn’t really want to post something that rains on their parade. I’ve done that enough sporadically through this blog. (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is one of the worst movies ever.) That said, I felt I had to talk about this one in order to offer up a huge mea culpa.

Mea Cupla!

The whole time I’m watching these episodes, I’m bored as hell, and that’s not a good thing. These are unsolved mysteries, one of which took place in Baltimore, which is relatively close to where I grew up. Watching these episodes is a public service. If there’s any chance of me helping to solve one of these mysteries, I’m going to have to watch them. So I did. All of them. But I was bored. I sincerely hope many of you disagree.

Except for the UFO episode. That’s bullshit. As always, YMMV.

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Below Average Watch: #Stardust @netflix #GoodWatch #QuarantineLife

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I had never heard of 2007’s Stardust before someone recently posted about it on Facebook. He said he loved it, and it’s streaming on Netflix, so I thought I’d give it a chance.

Bleck!

I was bored to tears. By the time it picked up a little bit, I was so un-invested (<- not really a word, but you know what I mean) in the characters that it was too late to win me over. The story follows a half-faerie guy who looks like Daredevil and goes on a mission to save Claire Danes, who’s really a comet or something. Ugh. So trite and poorly executed. It’s based on a 1999 book by Neil Gaiman, and the cast was incredible (Mark Strong, Robert Deniro, Michelle Pfeiffer, Peter O’Toole, Ricky Gervais, Jason Flemyng, the best Superman, and so many others), so I really expected to like it. I didn’t, and I stand with but a few.

I know. “Bad nerd!” As always, YMMV.

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Bizarre Watch: #Rubber #GoodWatch #QuarantineLife

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What the hell was that? I just watched a movie about a car tire with supernatural powers that goes on a killing spree. Why? No reason. It was a movie within a movie, but not really. I dunno. Was this a horror movie? People and animals exploded. Was it a comedy? I laughed out loud only once when someone spoke. It cycled through the two genres. This is a bizarre film that spun me around, but it’s entirely self-aware, so that’s a good thing. In fact, it’s been a good year for streaming movies despite the occasional poison.

Rubber is streaming on Crackle, but those turkeys don’t appear to have their own Twitter handle. You can watch movies with commercials, but not once did a commercial pop up during the 80-minute (or so) runtime.

I can’t say it’s “good,” but I was driven to watch this, and so should you be. As always, your mileage may vary.

Wheel.

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Slightly Above Average Watch: #Anon @AmandaSeyfried @netflix #GoodWatch #QuarantineLife

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This is another movie that’s been sitting in my Netflix queue for years, but until the pandemic, I never bothered to watch it. I’m not into what the general public would call horror movies. To me, this movie is a horror movie. It takes place in a world in which all privacy is gone. Everyone’s experiences are cataloged digitally through medical implants, and that record is accessed by cops during interrogation. What happens? What do you think? A killer finds a way to hack the system, and that means there are false memories and deleted memories corrupting the evidentiary process. When they try to catch the killer, things get really bad.

This was scary fun for me. As always, YMMV.

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Worst Watch: Almighty #Thor @peacockTV #GoodWatch #QuarantineLife

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Almighty Thor (2011) is streaming on NBC’s new streaming service, Peacock TV. It was absolutely horrible, which is to be expected. It has Highlander 2 numbers over on Rotten Tomatoes, with an 8% from the audience and a didn’t-even-bother-to-watch from the critics. It also stars Richard Grieco and Kevin Nash. Never a good sign.

Last Friday, I said I was an apologist for mythology movies, which makes that hard to square with my hatred of this movie. Let’s hammer that out a bit. When I say, “apologist for mythology movies,” I mean that I tolerate poor writing and the liberties writers often take with the source material in the interests of drama. But this is more than just “taking liberties.” This is more like “taking names.” That is, it’s like taking names from Norse mythology and placing them on characters from a completely different story. I hate to say this, but the guy who played Baldr wasn’t nearly qualified to play a god of beauty. Of course, he wasn’t actually playing Baldr because there was absolutely nothing right about this movie. We would have all forgiven the complete destruction of Los Angeles, but they didn’t even get that right. (Yeah, I said “Los Angeles.”)

This reminds me of movies that use the intellectual property for past movies in order to guarantee legacy viewership, but wipe out the original stories altogether, thus pissing off that legacy fan base. I wouldn’t say I’m pissed me off here (maybe at myself for watching it), because no one harms me by making a movie that I didn’t have to pay to see, but it was really bad, from the acting to the sound to the visuals to the writing. The reviews highlighted on the movie’s Wikipedia page are funny.

My preferred pantheon is that of the Norsemen, but that didn’t save this movie. As always, YMMV. Well, not really. You’ll agree. This objectively sucked. F-. They should all be expelled from film school and banned from watching movies ever again.

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Why Henry Cavill Is the Best Superman #movie #DCEU

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Sundays are now lazy days for me. Going forward, I’m just going to re-post other people’s work or just do something silly. Today, I’m going to answer a controversial question among nerds: Who is the best Superman?

Answer: Henry Cavill.

Why? Because I said so.

FYI, I saw this a couple days after writing this post.

Fighting the Justice League was also my #1.

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Excellent Watch: The Old Guard #movie #GoodWatch #QuarantineLife @CharlizeAfrica @Netflix

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I was not expecting to like this movie because of how trite the premise is, but I absolutely did. “A group of mercenaries, all centuries-old immortals with the ability to heal themselves, discover someone is onto their secret, and they must fight to protect their freedom.” Seriously? Haven’t there been enough movies like this? None of you are going to improve upon the Highlander!

But this was really good. Charlize Theron plays the oldest among four immortals now acting as mercenaries. As their leader, she’s been guiding their actions in an unexpected way. In addition to what’s written above, the crux of the movie is that a new immortal is “born” for the first time in centuries. The movie has a few nice touches throughout, not the least of which is a horrific incident occurring in Ms. Theron’s backstory. Chiwetel Ejiofor is pretty good in it as well, but when is he not?

I know, I know. How could I possibly get behind this? Well, it’s all in the execution. There’s obviously going to be a sequel, and I’ll set a Netflix reminder for it.

As always, YMMV, but if you don’t like it, you’re in the minority.

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